A Year Ago

Andrew, Timmy, Me

If you know me in real life or started reading before November then you know my brother, Andrew, died last year. (Does it sound too harsh when I say died? I always start with 'passed away,' but I just don't like it).

A year ago today I had no idea it would be the last time I would ever see him or hug him.

I was home for Mom's wedding, it was supposed to be the best time ever. Unfortunately I was like an empty sad shell because Daniel had surprise dumped me the day before I flew home for the festivities. Great timing. Whatever. Andrew said that he would be there, but honestly, I doubted him. He was anything but reliable, but he shocked me by showing up for the rehearsal AND the wedding.

He showed up at the rehearsal looking like a hoodlum. I feel like he did that for shock value which drove me crazy. At the dinner I was sitting at Mom's table, I think Marshall was on the other end of it, and Andrew was sat at the next table with Grandma & Papa. He shocked me again when he wanted to sit with us. He pulled up a chair, actually interacted with us, and we had a great time.

It was unexpected just how excited Andrew was that Mom was getting married. When we were getting ready he wanted to hang out in the girls room instead of with the guys. During the vows he even started to cry so he made Marshall laugh to distract him. Mom was happy to have all of her kids there and happy, so she didn't get irritated with that, but you know I gave them both the stink eye.

Cracking jokes during the wedding. (Baby brother Marshall & Andrew)

This picture was actually Andrew's idea. (Marshall, Mom, Andrew)

The next day Andrew and I went to lunch at Dad's house (Marsh was being too lazy to get up and go with us). It was the first time I had been there to see Andrew's new car and his new dog Timmy. Andrew was so excited to drive us over to Dad's. We talked about music, life in Houston, his job, and he tried to race someone (I was scared to death). We had a wonderful lunch where we talked for hours (well, really they talked, I was still reeling from the shock of the breakup and the dread of going home to the apartment I shared with Daniel that night. Oh, and I was bringing Marshall back to stay for spring break. Michelle asked me if I was sick because I was acting funny and looked extra pale.)

Andrew, Dad, Me

When we got back to Grandma's house, Andrew was leaving to probably hang out with friends and he almost left without saying goodbye. I went and grabbed him and made sure to get a hug because I thought I wouldn't see him again until Christmas. If only I had realized I would never see him again at all, then I would have hung on more awkwardly long than I already had.

Literally the last moments we had together.

Obviously this been a hard situation for me, my family, his friends - everyone. It feels like it's getting better and worse at the same time, if that's even possible.

When it happened tons of people reached out immediately and sent me encouraging messages, and every now and then I'll still get a random one. I tried to respond to most of them, but if I missed one, I just want you to know that I really appreciated everything you had to say.

Recently Alyssen sent me a message. I have known Alyssen since I moved to Canyon in 4th grade. We were never really friends more of acquaintances I guess. In fact, I really can't remember us interacting much during our school years. I know that sounds rude, but I promise that's not my intent. We went to a somewhat small school so everyone knows everyone, we just didn't hang out with the same people is all. I always thought she was nice, and she has the most adorable daughters now (yes, my name is Jessica, and I'm a facebook stalker), but we just didn't really have the opportunity to get to know each other.

Anyway, back in February she sent me a message and it was just so nice. It really meant a lot and came at a time when I really needed it. I wish I could fully express in words how much it meant to me, but I can't seem to find anything that would cover it. She had lost her brother about 7 years ago, so she wrote me how it gets better and she commented on the dreams since I had previously posted about that. It was good to get some encouragement for someone that has dealt with loss first hand.

It's just amazing to me, in the best way, how when shit things happen that people you hardly know are there to help you through it. So thank you to everyone (family, friends, and acquaintances) that has been there, you will never fully know the impact you kindness has had on me.